Spongers, what spongers..

Ever since the infamous Spongers annual night out (Children in Need), I really can't be bothered watching TV much or writing about spongers, I don't know whether it was the over saturation or the pain of actually watching bits of it, as well as that, the actual physical pain in the leg doesn't seem to help..

I will just have to look forward to the annual barrage of fitness DVD's in January.. Just when we all start our New Year's resolutions to become non-smoking, healthy, wealthy, young, fit, beautiful, full of beans, ultimate, Greek God like, Super Specimens..  (Just 2 weeks before we break all these promises and give up altogether)..

Merry Christmas to all and best wishes for the New Year..

The pain of it all... Part II

I really, really can’t stand the pain any longer – Today, and after 2 weeks of being a Macho Man and hoping that the pain, somehow, subsides, I decided to go and see my Doctor..

I put half a ton of “Heat Rub” on the leg, swallowed, my pride and, a couple of Painkillers and I was good to go…  I managed to get to the Surgery with my last ounce of dignity, still intact (well, just about)..

Waited and waited and waited in line, just like before, for my five minutes of fame. And when it was finally my turn, I hopped in, using my new, eBay acquired, crutches.

[Doctor] Hello Mr. H - what can i do for you today...

[Me] I seem to have lots of pain in my right leg, thigh, knee, and everywhere else.. Its similar to the pain I had before..

[Doctor] Have you done anything Physical, lifted anything heavy, and the likes...

[Me] No..

[Doctor] Lets check your Blood Pressure first...

[Me] OK!

[Doctor] Blood Pressure seems to be fine, Can you stand on the scales..

[Me] OK! But it's my leg that's hurting...

[Doctor] The last time you've been here was in 2003 (Six years ago), and the time before that was in 1997, you have put on a Stone in weight since then..

[Me] Not bad, for six years of debauchery - Hell, I lived on bloody Big Macs, Whoppers, Pizzas and Kebabs for the past twelve years. I'm an ongoing walking, talking Junk Food experiment... I was so very happy and proud when I heard that I only managed to put on an extra measly Stone, after all that, but the Doctor clearly wasn't ...

[Doctor] Sit on the table please and take your pants off.

[Me] (here we go again)...

I sat on the examination table and let the Doctor do his bidding, he pulls, pushes, squashes, squeezes, twists, bangs, prods, ties my legs in a knot round my neck, and asking me at the same time whether it hurts or not, well guess what, they all bloody do, a hell of a lot...

[Doctor] Well Mr. H..... - I don't know what you have, but its better if you can go to the Accident and Emergency department tomorrow and have an X-Ray - this might shed some light and the situation, and also, can we see you afterward for a Cholesterol Check.

[Me] Is that the stuff you spread on toast?

The Doctor was not impressed with the comment, oh yes, I will come back when I'm feeling better... Thank you and goodbye.

The thing is, I did have some pain when I went to the Doctor, I was able to hop and walk a bit, but now, I'm in total agony and I can't walk at all... Thank you Doctor, now I know why I only visit you once every six years... See you in 2015 (if I can help it, and if we're both still around)..

Today's magic word...

 Plastic Surgery and Botox 
One of the greatest mysteries of our time seems to be that of how all recipients of Plastic surgery and botox seem to converge to the same point of human perfection... 

And if that does not convince you, "not to do it", then you really, really have some deep psychological issues and you really need some professional help....

The pain of it all...

There is something that is really troubling me.. It all started around 20 years ago, the day after a, very lively, game of football.  I had some sort of pain in my right leg muscles. I went to the doctor and told him the story, he examined me, and decided that there was nothing wrong (he probably thought that it was all in the head, or just a simple muscle strain), and told me to take a couple of Paracetamol tablets, some muscle rub and, sort of, live with it - until my body fixed itself...

For the next few days I was in absolute agony. So I went to the doctor again, this time he told me to carry on with the tablets and rub combo (tabrub), and to also do some, "new age", Leg Stretch Exercises, in order to strengthen my muscles...

Needless to say, this did not work either, in fact, it made the pain ever more severe... It was so painful, I could not work, walk, talk, eat, sleep, love, laugh or do anything else... It was just bad...  And you know when you are in pain, you listen to every idiot and try everything to alleviate that, and I did.. Somebody told me how good "Chinese Acupuncture" was, and how everybody that had it done, was walking and jumping within 5 minutes, no pain, just pure blissful unadulterated joy - During that period, the Devil's box in the corner was in the "Alternate Medicine" phase, so I really did believe that, and I really wanted it to work.. I was so very, very, very receptive to the idea - sadly, it did not work (full story here)...   

Two days down the line, with the pain in full swing,,  I decided to get a second opinion, so I went to the local Accident & Emergency department of the local Hospital... And waited in the queue (full story here).. They gave me 2 Crutches and prescribed some very, very, very strong painkillers..  These did work...

To cut a long story short and get back to the present day, I seem to get the same debilitating pain, at exactly the same place, every year, ever since that incident... And for the past week, I have been sitting, in agony, unable to move or do anything, I'm sure its some sort of a warped alien experiment that's gone wrong - they just keep coming back every year to see how much more pain one can tolerate, or maybe, its just old age catching up with me...

I really need to know what's happening and the reason for it - please help, the pain is just so......

ICE, ICE BABY..

Today - a customer phoned me, they were having a problem with their home PC and asked me if I could go and check it.. I said OK...

The next day, I went there to check the offending PC - The first thing I noticed, was that, the house has gone "Bigger", it had acquired two or three houses either sides of the original property, a "New" Electric Gates, a "New" Surrounding Fence, a "New" Intercom System, a "New" Driveway, 2 "New, Shiny" Black 4 X 4 Vehicles with Tinted windows, and 2 "New" Small, Sporty, Vehicles and a Lowly Ice Cream Van - and while the property was a 2 Up/2 Down mid-terrace house last year, today it is a 6-8  Up/6-8 Down, with everything inside brand new and refurbished to an exacting standard... I'm not one for envy or anything like that, I don't really care much for money or material possessions, I'm happy if I have it, but its not the end of the world, if I don't, sort of, a bit like in idealistic John Lennon, without the money, the fame or the success, but with integrity..

I remember from the last visit, that the only person who had a job in the house was the father with a lowly banger of an Ice Cream Van.  I thought, he must be struggling, selling Ice Cream, because things did not look that promising at the time....


However, this time, you can tell that there was no money worries, so while chatting about the PC, I asked the man (me being nosy), if he still had the same job, and to my surprise, he said "yes"... So I left it at that, but thought "Things must be good in Ice Cream land" ...

Two weeks later, I was picking my daughter from School, I saw an Ice Cream Van parked outside. My daughter wanted an Ice Cream, so I said OK - I recognised the gentleman and noticed that people were paying a bit more for their Ice Cream than usual.. And they were ordering, what I can only assume to be, some very "Exotic", varieties of the stuff, in small packets... 

I got the Ice Cream and left, singing - ICE, ICE BABY.. - I'm really in the wrong job here...

I hate it all, but there must be more to hate than this...

I couldn't bare watching TV for over a week now, thanks to Children in need and all the spongers who keep try to sell me their records and dvds... I hope to start watching again, tomorrow, but I'm not looking forward to that...

20 Nov 2009

Henry Winkler, Fonzie (Happy Days) - Selling the Pantomime again and his books, this time on GM TV..

Dave Spiky - Is the Guest Sponger on "the Wright Stuff" - Channel 5 - selling his new DVD.

Tayler Swift - This Morning - Selling all, again, single, album, bullshit...

Little Boots on Loose Women - Selling everything - apparently she is collaborating with Gary Numan on a new song, who is a hero of hers (I don't know if its with or without his wig)... Seeing that even people my age don't know who he is, somehow I think she is trying to pull the wool over our eyes..

I did not know that, but she was a reject on one of these "Make Me A Superstar" TV program. Good to know that some people are honest and there is still some integrity out there...

We also have Jason Manford selling his new DVD on Loose Women... I've seen the man before, but I didn't think he was that funny... Apparently he Twitter's a lot - and its so sweet... Aaaaaaah... What a Twatter... Sorry...

Tonight is BBC "Children in Need" night, all z-lister spongers come out of the woodwork, trying to outdo each other, selling their wears and pretending to care... There are so many people, I really can't be arsed to watch or report on that... 

19 Nov 2009

BBC Breakfast - Harry Connick Jr. selling his new album... And being proud to be part of the BBC Children in Needs Appeal...

I'm not sure about all these Annual and Bi-Annual TV Charity Events - They show us all these washed out, so called Celebrity, parasites, urging us to donate what we can toward good causes, when the only thing they are giving is their TIME, and not much of that.. This year there is the "Around the World in 80 Days Race" That cost over £1,000,000.00 to do, Would it not have been better if they gave that money to charity direct, without farting about with z-class idiots...

This Morning - Jordan's Mum & Brother - keeping the dream alive...

Claire Danes selling her new movie, "Me and Orson Welles"

Gordon Brown selling bullshit, I really hate TV politics.

Alan Carr Selling Nativity the Movie..

Loose Women - Not so funny man - Ben Elton - Selling New book..

The Bank Of Horrors.. Part III

Finally, and after lots of hassle, I received my new shiny Credit Card, details of the story so far here and here.

As usual, they had a sticker on the Card asking to ring them and activate the card, so I did.

Robo Machine- Thank you for ringing Lloyds TSB, please key in or say your credit card number, now..

I knew that voice recognition is not all that its cracked to be, so I entered the number on the keypad - all went well there...

Robo Machine- Please key in or say your date of birth as a 6 digit number, for example... blah, blah, blah..

I entered the number, the machine did not accept it and asked to do it again, I did, the machine did not accept it again, this time it asked me to wait for a Customer Advisor (sounds very familiar) - so I wait, and wait and wait, listening to Green Bloody Sleeves...

Hello Mr. H... I will need to confirm a few security details with you...

Me thinking, here we go again... And we did.  After 15 minutes of idle chat, I managed to get to exactly where I was before,  I was unable to use the Credit Card again without my Photo ID, and the man had the cheeks to bloody try and sell me 4 different types of insurance.. Sentinel Card Protection Service, the New Bullshit ID Theft Insurance, the Third Party, Fire and Theft insurance and the Redundancy, Accident, whatever insurance, the Check Your Credit Report Insurance...  I look at it this way, If I can't use the Credit Card myself, what chance has anybody else got..

18 Nov 2009


Janet Street Porter is our Sponger Panelist for today on the Wright Stuff, Channel 5 - Selling her new book - A guide on how to Survive the Recession - "Don't Let the B*****ds Get You Down" - Anybody who's seen Janet, will know that the photo on the book does not do her any justice - you decide...

Sooooooo much photo touching going on, I think they had to pay double rate to get it looking like this, you can just imagine what the people doing the touching had to to say...

- I'm not a miracle worker Gov... Please, please, please don't let me do that...

The woman might have looked like that in 1900, but I know damn well, that she does not look like that now...

Sorry Janet, I'm just "Being Superficial".. That will be the title of your next book in the series.

And tonight on the Paul O'Grady Show - Channel 4 - we have - Jack Dee - Comedian, Selling his new Book for Christmas - Taylor Swift - Singer, Selling her new Single & Album  - And Henry Winkler, Actor from "Happy Days", trying to sell his new book and tickets to a pantomime, he is doing, in Liverpool.

17 Nov 2009

I wasn't gonna bother writing again, but two things happened that changed my mind...

[1] Noddy Holder - from Slade - the man was on BBC Breakfast TV - trying to justify why they re-released their album again - "We decided, because of the ongoing recession, to re-release the album, so that we can lift the country out of it"..

I would have respected the man more, if he just told us the truth - we all need the money, and its nothing to do with anything else...

[2] I had the McDougalls Minced Beef & Onion Pie for my tea - all I can say about these, is "They are bloody awful".. Its like minced shit in a funky tasting pastry..

eBay Feedback

 These are actual feedback(s) I received from sellers on eBay. The translation is from http://babelfish.yahoo.com/

謝謝你,這次的交易順利又愉快!超棒買家!
Thanks you, this time transaction smooth is also happy! Ultra good buyer!

回應快、付款爽快,一流!謝謝!
Responds, the payment to be refreshed quickly, first-class! Thanks!

Try a sentence in your favorite translator, and then translate it back...And see what you get... It rarely makes any sense, and its always so different from what you start with, and if you feel adventurous, then why not do it twice...

I've decided to always leave feedback in Trad-Chinese from now, it just looks so cool...

I don't know what it means, but I'm sure it does mean something Good.
我不知道什么它意味,但是I' 肯定m它意味好事。

I'm sure it will make somebody's day, in China..

16 Nov 2009


On This Morning Today - We have two of the "Loose Women" Plugging their new DVD and Book - Its always sad when a peddling program starts peddling  its own goods on another peddling program, its like a perplexing infinite loop - But, sadly, what can one do, apart from not buying any of that rubbish.  I love you "Loose Women", or stop watching TV.  I think I will start doing both.. Tomorrow...

The Cattle Market

I noticed that This Morning - ITV - have gone one better than the Paul O'grady Show - While he shows animals that need new homes. This Morning are showing Kids looking for new homes and new adoptive parents.

I'm sure its a very good cause, but if you manage to convince one of these Celebrities to adopt somebody from here, instead of  having them all queuing up for Kids from Africa or Outer Mongolia, then you would probably solve the problem...

I always thought that humans are not a, for sale, commodity. But obviously, I was wrong..

TV Politics..

I watch TV a lot, and if there is one thing that I've noticed over the past few years, it is, Today's politician's lack of Backbone - They are all running scared from one crisis to another - They do not want to solve or face problems unless these are shown on TV. They just go with the flow and hope for the best, and as long as the TV and Media are happy, then there are no problems and the country can run itself....

I can't even watch GM TV or This Morning, without being interrupted by the Prime Minister or the Leader of the Opposition popping in and out of the studio every five minutes. Telling us what they are doing or planning to do with the latest fad and whether they are an X Factor or a Strictly fan... Its getting very tiresome and annoying... I'm sure soon all elections will be run by Simon Cowell with a phone only vote.

Entry question: Who do you want to Run the Country. (Eligible entries will be entered into a draw to win an iPod).

Opening/closing date & time: Competition opens as stated in programme and closes on 3rd June 2010 at 10.00 p.m. Entries made after closing time will not be entered into the competition but may still be charged.

Draw date: within 12 hours of closing date.


Method & cost of entry:
PRTS Phone - call 09xxx xxx xxx and follow instructions; up to 5 entries per household. Each call costs £1.00 from BT landlines. Calls from other networks may be higher and from mobiles will be considerably more. SMS text – to 83xxx along with your answer; up to 5 entries per household. Each text costs £1.00 plus one standard network rate message. Red Button – where available, cable and digital satellite viewers press the red button on their remote; up to 5 entries per household. Each red button entry costs £1.00.  Online – go to www.electaleader.gov.uk and follow instructions; up to 5 entries per household. There is no charge for online entries.

There is no entry via email or post. Entries on behalf of another person are void. Entries over the maximum number of entries or entries made or received after the closing time or which are incomplete, misspelt, inaudible, incomprehensible or not received are void and will not be entered into the competition but may still be charged.



General Competition Terms and Conditions apply.

13 Nov 2009

On BBC Breakfast TV today , we have Justin Lee Collins selling his New Autobiography "Tosser" or something like that, I was wondering, how long will it be before I see him on the TV peddling his wares, apparently, not very long - and as usual, he did not disappoint.

Oren Peli - Director of Paranormal Activity - Selling the Movie - It's on tonight, Friday the 13th - in over 400 Cinemas across the land..

JLS on Breakfast TV - selling the new Single and Album, Simon Cowell is cracking the whip again, everybody under his belt has to perform and Sell, Sell, Sell during the season of Goodwill or else... Dance Monkey, Dance...

Hilary Swank whoever she is - selling her new movie about Amelia Earhart - I'm sure this nostalgic flick will be a great success in the future, in around 200 years from now.

On GM TV today, we have Jayne Torvill - trying to sell the New series of Dancing on Ice, and the Tour and the "New DVD", just in case you've missed some of the moves.. Mr. Christopher Dean could not be arsed getting up this early, so she had to work doubly hard, for the both of them..

We also have Chico - who could forget "Chico Time" - on GM TV - talking about the X Factor - Selling his new Pantomime "Aladdin - in Darlington" - I think... Alas, that's what happens to the talent when the dust settles.. Get a months work every year, in Darlington, if you are lucky..

I hate it when there are too many people selling shit at the same time, it's very hard, before I even finished one sentence, there is somebody else trying to sell me something else..  Its like a sensory overload..


And on This Morning - ITV , we have Justin Lee Collins once again, selling his Book, also "The Sunday Night Project" DVD and the new TV show on Channel 5. I think he is doing the rounds today, so I'm sure we will se him again today - I can't be arsed typing anything else about this dude...

On Loose Women - ITV - Today, we have Johnny Vegas selling his new stand-up DVD and whatever else...

On North West Tonight, we have Ricky Gervais - selling something to something he's doing..

And tonight on the One Show - BBC 1 - we have Noddy Holder selling something to do with Slade and Christmas, he always seem to come out of the wood works, every year, around this time... 

12 Nov 2009

This morning on GM TV - We have Michael Caine, selling his new movie "Harry Brown" - this is a bit like Dirty Harry, but in London - I'm sure its gonna be good, and he did it because the script and the story were so good, not like the many other Turkeys he was in, in the past.....

Leona Lewis is on GM TV as well, selling her New Book, Single and Album... Simon is cracking his whip and making sure everybody is doing there bit, or else....

We also have Jason Donavan and a Female Singer - trying to sell tickets to "War of The Worlds" - not many people buying tickets and we all need food (please), think of the children....

On BBC Breakfast we have - Hayley Sanderson - Strictly Come Dancing Singer - Selling her new Album - "Just Songs" - somehow I don't think she is making enough money on Strictly, because she only manged to wear half a skirt during the interview... And I don't know why but these words keep flashing in my head, Mutton, Dressed and Lamb ..


We also have Martine McCutcheon - An ex. East Enders, Z lister, actress - with a very short lived singing career, selling her new Novel. That woman's talent knows no bound... I think I'll buy this one now or wait for the Autobiography, which should be out within the next 2 weeks, and I will buy the pair...

And finally, we have Steve Martin - Comedian - Selling his new Movie and his new Banjo Album and UK tour.... He did sound good....

Today's magic word...

Nepotism (nep⋅o⋅tism) is favouritism granted to relatives or friends, without regard to their merit The word nepotism is from the Latin word nepos (meaning "nephew" or "grandchild").

I'm sure this does not apply to people on TV nowadays, for the simple reason that these people have inherited the genius and talent genes from their parents, and they will, no doubt, pass these on to their siblings in due course, and everything else is just coincidental..

You might be talented, but without having the right connections, relatives, friends and genes, you are, and you will remain, a nothing...

11 Nov 2009

On Breakfast TV - We have an actor selling 2012 - The Movie - The same movie that was slayed a day earlier, just last night, by Jonathan Ross on Film 2009 on BBC 1 - but well, what the heck...

We also have Susan Cash - Johnny Cash's Daughter - Selling her new album "The List" - She's got the right name for it..."Cash"...

On This Morning - We have Jamie Cullum selling his new album, single and everything else.

Dr. Christian Jessen - On loose Women - Selling his new book - a letter to your 16 year old self or some other bullshit...

We also have Myleene Class, which is a bit like Butter, spread thinly all over the place with no substance, selling her new show "Around The World in 80 Days" - even though this show is done for Charity, the interview is not, its just a reaffirmation that she is back.... Not bad for someone whos only claim to fame is, flashing boobs on a Reality TV show..

I'm not sure about all these Annual and Bi-Annual TV Charity Events - They show us all these washed out, so called Celebrity, parasites, urging us to donate what we can towards good causes, when the only thing they are giving is their TIME, and not much of that.. Last year there was a Trek up Mount Kilimanjaro and when they finished, one of the participant decided to hire a private jet, at the cost of over £50,000 for the return journey home... Would it not have been better if he gave that money to charity instead...

10 Nov 2009

Graham Cole (Ex. The Bill Actor). - On BBC Breakfast - Selling His New Autobiography / Book - "On The Beat - My Story" - I remember few years back, they had "The Bill Toys" range out on sale, and because of the, almost non existent, demand, those were pulled off Toy Shop Shelves and Relegated to £ Shop Shelves across the nation... And believe me when I say, I know where this book is gonna end...

We also have - Mariatu Kamara, Selling her new Book "Bite of the Mango"- This is written in collaboration with Susan McClelland, Its about how she was kidnapped when she was 12, by the Rebels in Sierra Leone, who were no more than Children themselves, how she was tortured and had both her hands cut off by the kidnappers, because it was usual to stop people from voting for anybody else... Although a moving story, and probably many of the culprits are now in power. This does not change the fact that she was one of the "Lucky Ones", by appearing in an "Oxfam Advert" - this, no doubt, had changed her life, but it did not end the Violence in Sierra Leone, nor help any of the "Forgotten" thousands who faced the same dilemma, and who have had to live with it every day - begging on the streets of "Freetown"...

And on This Morning - ITV - we have "JLS", selling the new Album, Single and Book... I don't really know what else to say about the boys, apart from they are very nice boys;-)...

Serena Williams on This Morning, selling her new Book "Queen of the Court" - on Growing up, Playing Tennis, in the Ghetto and other bits... Wow, what a heart wrenching story..

We also have the Osmond's, Donny and Marie - Flogging the new program and Album... I think this album is a keeper, a winner or whatever...

And tonight on the Paul O'Grady Show - we have Omid Djalili - trying to get people to buy tickets for Oliver, the Musical - Ever since Rowan Atkinson left the show, things haven't been going very good in Theater Land...

We also have Martine McCutcheon - An ex. East Enders, Z lister, actress - with a very short lived singing career, selling her new Novel. That woman's talent knows no bound... I think I'll buy this one now or wait for the Autobiography, which should be out within the next 2 weeks, and I will get the pair...

09 Nov 2009

On This Morning - ITV - Today - we have Dara Ó Briain - Selling his new book again, "Tickling the English" - he is trying very, very hard - I've seen him on more shows than anybody else... Things must be bad in comedy land...

We also have Bon Jovi singing, this is nothing to do with the fact that the new "Rip-Off" tour is upon us and they would like to Maximize Profit by being on every TV show from here to Timbuktu. The different thing about this tour is, Bon Jovi decided to cut out the middle man "The Ticket Tout", and do it themselves.. They thought if there were stupid people about, who would pay over the odds, then who are they to stop them from being fans, and if these people pay others, "Over The Odds", then why not pay Bon Jovi "Over The Odds" instead... 

And on Loose Women today, we have - Robbie Williams - selling his new single and trying to save his dwindling career - and gather momentum to kick start the big push again, especially after his disastrous X-Factor come back. Apparently he is a BIG FAN of the show (loose women) and watches it all the time, especially when you consider that he was living in LA for the past 4+ years... We all need money, but some of us have to work for it...  I think after making it big in America (Robbie Who?), he thought he will conquer the UK once more...I'm sure some people will buy the record and the album. Me, I only buy things that are good (beside the few shockers), I heard the first 2 singles, and there is nothing that really grabs my attention, its all just the same as the old stuff, but poorer - bad vocals, incomprehensible lyrics, and a lot of pretentious crap, and as they say in Bolton, if its good enough, it will sell itself and you wouldn't need to crawl to every TV show under the sun trying your hardest to sell,sell, sell... I was gonna have a link to an honest review, instead I ask you to decide.. I my book, its a "Pirates of the Caribbean" Bad....

The Bank Of Horrors.. Part II

I didn't manage to get anywhere with the bank (from before), so I just ignored them, stopped using the offending Credit Card, and carried on paying the Credit Card Bills as usual... Few weeks later, I received a letter from the Credit Card issuer's with some Credit Card Cheques inside, asking me to SPEND, SPEND, SPEND - They usually send these when you don't use your Credit Card for a while - So I assumed, everything was back to normal, and to make sure - I phoned the bank and asked them about the Status of my Credit Card Account - They said, all is Hunky Dory - Everything is paid on time, I'm within my credit limit and they don't see anything wrong there - I asked, Can I use the Credit Card Then, and the Answer was an emphatic "YES".. I thanked them and hanged up...

The same week, I ordered something from an Internet Retailer "game.co.uk" - The payment was declined - So I phoned the bank, and I really wasn't very happy, I told them the story, and they said its nothing to do with them, its something to do with the Retailer's own Merchant and the way they carry out security checks ... I asked again, so can I use my Credit Card or Not - I'm not bothered if they've said yes or no, I just didn't want to look like an idiot each time I used it, and they said Yes - There is nothing wrong there..

A week later, I needed to buy something from the Internet, I placed an order on "ebuyer.co.uk", a website where I have used the same Credit Card in the past with no problems - Everything went according to plan - then there was the "Lloyds TSB" Verification, which I passed with flying colours... Everything seemed to be OK, A day later, I received an email from ebuyer, informing me that my Credit Card was Declined again..

So I phoned the Bank once again - Can you please tell me what's going on? If you don't want my Business, I really don't care - I will just take it somewhere else - I just need to know the reason why?, and when I ask whether I can or can't use it (the Credit Card), I need you to just tell me the truth instead of leaving me looking like a prat each time I order something..

Sorry Mr. .... , I will just discuss that with Credit Card Operations - Five minutes later, Sorry Mr. .... - apparently, there is a "Mark" on this Credit Card, we don't know what it is and we can't remove it... - So the only thing we can do is, for you to Destroy the existing Credit Card and we will issue you a new one - You'll receive that within 3 - 5 Days and your pin will follow shortly afterward - Thank you...

Thank you very much "Lloyds TSB", I just hope you use the correct date of birth this time...

The Devil's Box in The Corner...

Recession, what Recession - The devil's box in the corner telling us why we should buy another house, fix it, mix it, sell it, rent it and make lots of cash - then do the same once more,,, Again and again, till the Cows come home or the Shit hit the fan..

Everyone on TV was telling us how to make money by being savvy property developers, buying at auction, fixing, renting and adding to our portfolio, or selling for huge profit. I can name at least 10 TV shows that promised us that, complete with eternal health, wealth and happiness..

And by artificially stimulating demand, we managed to increase the value of property by so much, that people who need property, could no longer afford to buy or rent these...



And when it all hit the fan and things went so very, very bad , TV blamed others for the problems.. But shortly afterward, it started the cycle once again - showing us how to sell property in a recession..

Is there anything that devil's box can't do...


05 Nov 2009

Rory Brimner - On BBC Breakfast TV - Showing his emotional side, and talking about a new film to be shown on the BBC with regards to things he discovered about his father while making the program, Who Do You Think You Are, This film is sort of, a spin off.

Holly Johnson - (Frankie Goes To Hollywood) - Doing the rounds and selling the best of Frankie Goes To Hollywood, "Frankie Say Greatest" - I think he really needs the money, especially when you think of the amount of BOTOX this man uses - and his own new personal single, "dreams money can't buy" - I know this one will be very big...

Mr. New Tricks "Alan Something" - I don't know his name properly, selling a new Program " Garrow's Law".

06 Nov 2009

The Day after Bonfire Night - On BBC Breakfast Today - We have - Michael Winner - 70's / 80's Director - and Insurance Salesman - selling his new book, oh sorry, he was discussing his new book "Winners Dinners" - Ever since esure have dropped him in favor of a mouse, things haven't been the same - So please, please, please, buy the book...


Roger Taylor - From Queen - selling "Queen's - Absolute Greatest Hits" Album - I think they must have about 5 or 6 "Greatest Hits" albums by now... However, they do usually have a different Photo on the front cover and they have never ever called it "Absolute" - so this album must be different...

What is?

I keep hearing these terms, on Radio and TV - Guyliner, Chillax and some other new age shit.. What are they, what do they all mean... Well, fear not my middle age Chums, because help is at hand, so sit back and Chillax with your cup of latte and visit http://www.urbandictionary.com for all kind of different shit that nobody needs to know, or care about..

04 Nov 2009

The Family on BBC Breakfast Selling the new "The Family" Show on Channel 4..

Nora Jones on GM TV - Selling her new single - Chasing Pirates or there about - the girl just reminded me of Laura White- Too bloody slow...

This Morning - ITV - Sting - Selling his new Album and DVD - "If on a Winters Night".. Need some dough for some shaving foam. The songs were all made using traditional instruments (things that nobody has ever heard of), with a promise that they all will sound like shit...

We also have The Family Again, selling the new "The Family" TV show on This Morning..

03 Nov 2009

Anthony Horowitz - a TV writer - selling a new series, he's written - on ITV - Collision - and also plugging his new book - Alex Rider - something or other...

Director of "A Christmas Carol (3D)" - Robert Zemeckis - trying to sell his new movie - and talking about the new method of Cartoon making, "Performance Capture" - Need viewers please because otherwise, we will not be able to pay the rent or the money back to the Producers, and its too early for anybody else, more popular, to come and talk about it, so I have to do the dirty work...

I really don't care much for 3D movies, if its a good enough movie, it will find its way out, even if on toilet paper..

We also have Lawrence Dallaglio selling his Autobiography - RUGBY TALES - AKA - Blood, Sweat and Fear... I didn't watch much, because I don't care much for the man or what he has to say.. And also, Mr. James Ellroy - Selling his new Book "Blood's a Rover" - I didn't bother watching because they were showing a repeat of Frasier on Channel 4, so I decided to watch that instead..

And today on the Paul O'Grady Show - Channel 4 - We have Alexandra Burke, Selling her new Album and single and how the Song she sang was so dear and close to her heart, that she had to fight back the tears, you know what they say in Bolton, seeing that its so close to your heart, why not just keep it.. Apparently she now has another personality, Cheese Louise, I'm sure its nothing to do with the fact that Beyonce has the same thing "not the alter ego", which didn't seem to hurt her career..

We also have Richard Hammond (Top Gear), selling his old, new Autobiography again, I think - I couldn't be arsed watching the program in full, but I gathered that its a re-release of last years autobiography, but this time its hardback, or with a silly nose and mustache - I might be wrong here, but please don't sue..

And on the One Show tonight - BBC 1 - we have an Irish Comedian selling his new autobiography - I don't know his name, but I remember watching him on the Jonathan Ross show last Friday - There are so many titles out at the moment, these are more like annuals than autobiographies, and with so much choice out there, I really don't know what to buy, if any - I just can't wait to visit WHSmith.... Got the name, its Dara O Briain, and the book is called "Tickling the English"..

Sometime later, same day, and after visiting th WHSmith website. Bloody hell, even the Late Fred Dibnah has managed a new book "Did You Like That - In His Own Words". You can find that at all good bookshops,  I can't wait for the sales and plugging tour...

02 Nov 2009

Today on BBC Breakfast we have, a very short plug (less than 5 seconds) for a new Charity Single - Supporting "Help For Heroes" - they said its performed by a host of Celebrities, and they showed a video snippet with all these Celebrities singing, and honestly, I didn't know any of them and I bet no one else would know who they were...  Even though the cause is noble, I don't think these Z listers on the BBC would help further it..

Also on BBC Breakfast, we have  Laura White - From Last Year's X Factor, selling her new Single and Album - I know it was early, but the girl just sounded so very special, somehow. You ask her something and you wait, and wait, and wait, and wait and then wait some more, then, a giggle followed by some incomprehensible babble..
 

We also have 2 people from the "Digital Theater" troupe - A new Digital Experience - an Internet Only Theater, for people on the go, you pay once and watch the Play forever (around 2 more weeks, if you are lucky) - As per usual, the, patronising, presenters thought it was a very good idea - but I know for a fact that they will never, ever, ever, order one of these Plays. The good news however is, the Theater is very big in the Cayman Islands... They've got a customer there.

I can't watch any more TV for now - I have to be somewhere else - so I get in the car, turn the Radio on, and drive - My Car's Radio is a bit shit (so is My Car, but that's another story) - I can only listen to 1 station, badly, because all  the buttons on the Front Panel are not working, and when I say "Not Working", I mean really "Not Working" - you have to push the "Anti-Theft" front panel in, at a certain angle, twist, turn, pull, push, bang, bash, swear and twist again, and 5 minutes later, as if by magic, the Radio is ON - however, no other buttons will work, not the power, not the volume, not anything else. The thing is, I don't even know why they bothered about an "Anti-Theft" device, the damned Stereo has a bloody Cassette Tape Player, Yes, a Cassette Player, something that was top of the range in 1974 (I don't think anybody has seen or made one of these in over ten years) - As well as being a very crappy stereo and sounding tinny, it still managed, as a final act of defiance / vengeance, to eat my "Best of Barry White Tape" during a long trip to Bristol, so to cut a long story short, you drive, listen and hope for the best. The station the Radio is stuck on happened to be BBC Radio 1 - and to add insult to injury, the reception is really, really bad, this is because the Aerial was snapped 2 years earlier, when the car was being washed, inside one of those huge Car Wash machines, the one with massive rollers - I forgot to lower the Aerial and the Machine just snapped it off and spat it out...

Back to the story, I turned the Radio on and started driving, and who do I hear on the Radio, we have Jimmy Carr - the Annoying, Make-Up wearing (apparently, it called Guyliner or or something like that), and not So Funny (in my book) so called Comedian. Selling his new DVD. Last week, the same Jimmy Carr was in our bad books because of a very insensitive joke, about disabled troops.. Today, he is our darling hero, selling his new DVD, with the Sun shining from his @#$£...

We also have, on BBC Radio 1, David Walliams (not so funny comedian, Ex. Little Britain Fame) selling his new Children's Book - I'm sure he will, shortly, be doing the rounds on TV.. - I remember my daughter buying his previous Children's Book from the local Pound Shop - I'm sure this one will only be sold in top notch, bona fide, book shops (well, at least for the next couple of months), and then, no doubt,  it will find its rightful place among other greats...

I'm back - and on BBC Working Lunch, we have a 10 Minute advert for "JoJo Maman Bebe" about their Shops, Catalogue and Internet Business, what they sell and how good their stuff is, and how you will not be complete until you get something from there.. I even wanted to buy something from them, and I still don't know why... A case of the undeserving, giving the undeserved some free publicity. I really want to know, how to advertise for FREE on the BBC, who do I need to see, know, contact, befriend or sleep with... Life is very hard outside this Club, in the real world...

On Loose Women - ITV - We have Laura White again, doing her rounds - selling the new single and album - I can't bare watching that women again, If I do, I'm sure the interview would dumbin me..

There is also somebody else, his name is Martin, I think - trying to sell tickets to the Little Voice show - they are really trying hard, but still there is nobody watching - the problem is, they should have the show in the Cayman Islands instead of London...

Windows 7

I got the new pre-order copy of Windows 7 the other day - I've downloaded and tried the beta release a few months ago, and that looked very promising, it even felt faster than Vista, I liked that, fell for the publicity blurb and decided to belong somehow, so I ordered 2 copies of the new Operating System - From PC-World (they've only sent me 1 Copy, but that is another story) - And now that I have the Software, I really don't want to use it.. The main reason being that, it takes me ages after every release of Windows to get my machine the way I like it, and also to upgrade a machine is usually a nightmare when it comes to Windows, you always end up deleting and formatting everything and starting again from scratch - followed by years of patching, service packs, security updates and misery.. No matter how good the new release is, I've decided to wait for when I buy a new Machine with Windows 7 already installed..

30 Oct 2009

I woke up a little bit late this morning, so the only thing I watched on BBC Breakfast TV was - Jamie Cullum - Selling his new Album "The Pursuit" - A Fifteen minute advert with the video playing and followed by an interview with the Album Cover plastered all over the background, then followed by another Video.. Apparently he is very big in Japan.. I didn't say that, he said he's been to Japan around 5 times in the past 2 years... We also plug the tour, tickets are for sale now.. Check the website for details and venues..

David Tenant - Dr. Who - Selling the special on GM TV. Selling a new series he is this afternoon and also a plug for the Christmas Special of Dr. Who..

This bit is nothing to do with anything else - It's just that every year there is a new selling fad on TV - this year, it "Selling your Old Gold and Jewelery" - there are more adverts for that than anything else - last year it Was "National Home Buyers" or there about, we buy your home for top whack, the year before that it Was "Had and Accident, then Claim with Us", how about "Compare your Energy Supplier" - and who could forget "Compare The Insurance Company" and double Glazing, etc.., etc... I'm sure its the same people, they just sit somewhere and decide, "What shall we buy / sell this year?", "How about Dogs?", "No these are a bit messy, we need something a bit more, you know what I mean...", "How about Air?", "No, no, no, The Government's got there first, believe me, if we can do it, we would - we need something a bit more Shiny, something Solid,  something the people can touch and feel, something like Gold",  "Mmmm, How about Gold?",  "Gold sounds Good", "Then its decided, Gold it is!"... I can't wait to see what it will be next year...

Please search online for TV Gold Scam before sending anything to anybody or accepting any offer... 

29 Oct 2009

On ITV, This Morning - we have Jessie Wallace (Kat from Eastenders) - Selling her new Tap Dance Show - "Stepping Out" - And also her new Fitness DVD - Out for Christmas. This is always the case every year, Spongers come out of the woodwork, selling Books and Fitness DVD's during the season of good will, and then half way through the following year, they'll come back on our screens, with all the weight piled back on and then some, and sell you the new book - how to be Fat and Happy.

On Loose Women - ITV - We have a washed out 50 year old Actress who had become a Rock Starlet - in a Band called "Screw Loose" - I'm sure she is very good, I'll be following the Band from this day forth..

Mr. Alan Davies with his Curly perm - selling his new book again, this time on Loose Women - He is also trying to sell the New "Jonathan Creek" DVD...

28 Oct 2009


Barry Cryer - X not so Funny Comedian - On BBC Breakfast selling his new book -"Butterfly Brain" - The good news is, I couldn't even find that book online, I really had to look hard to find the pictures, so the chance of finding it in your local Bookstore is pretty much impossible..

We also have, on BBC Breakfast, A group of new age, hippy "its not Jazz" Jazz Musicians selling their wares - I didn't watch that part from the beginning, so sadly, I don't even know their name, so I can't buy their record... And a washed out actor, I don't know his name - trying to sell the new series of "Waterloo Road" - they are really pushing the boundaries here - they have somebody talking about that series every day. They mentioned that he was on "Strictly Come Dancing" last year, with Camella???? And apparently, he is learning to Sing now - I will be looking forward to buying the record..

On GM TV today , we have 2 Actors trying to sell the Musical "Oliver" - I don't even know their names - one of them used to be in "The Bill" - He is playing the part of "Fagan" - Please, please, please - watch the show - think of the children - we need viewers - its Christmas - they even made us sing for our supper. Please...

27 Oct 2009

On BBC Breakfast Today, We have Jo Whoever (she's supposed to be a "Celebrity" of a sort) - She's just been kicked out of Strictly Come Dancing - I really don't know who she is... I'm sure she is another famous for nothing effort...

James May (Top Gear Fame) - Selling his new program - about toys... "Toy Stories" - You can tell he had a rough Night, before appearing on TV - We need viewers please, or else this program will go the same way as the wine one.. Please... He is also selling the new "James May Amazing Brain Training DVD Game" - This will be out in November..

Director "Ang Lee" - Selling his new movie "Taking Woodstock" - For a moment, I thought I was back in the Sixties, watching the original "Star Trek" with Mr. Sulu. The trailer looked good, but as they say in Bolton, good films sell themselves and not the other way..

On the Wright Stuff - Channel 5 - We always have one Sponger on  the Panel - the one on the Left, and today, there is no exception - we have a Mr. Michael Obiora, selling his brand new novel "Black Shoes"..

I'm sure the Nokia Mobile Phone Sudoku Game Version is not that intelligent - it just has a number of set presets and you have to follow them blindly, if there are two or more valid moves / combinations, the game will not accept these as valid, unless you put the number in the exact cell it already has in its memory banks... Stupid, just plain stupid...

On This Morning - ITV - We have Stephen Graham - trying to sell the new DVD "Public Enemies" - Even though the movie wasn't that bad - not many people bothered to watch it in Cinemas, so we need you to buy the DVD, please...

 Actress Jenna whoever, used to be an actress on Emmerdale and now she is in Something Called "Waterloo Road" - I never watched either, and I'm a bit too old to start now - Good new though, she can carve a mean Pumpkin..

And on Loose Women Today - ITV - we have Mr. Aled Jones (The Snowman - Walking in the Air Fame)- selling his new book - "Forty Favourite Hymns" -  and also, his appearance in a Panto-Musical at the Lawry Center - Manchester - Not forgetting his Ultimate Collection CD which is out shortly... Just in time for Christmas..  The sad thing is this, he was not the original singer on "Walking in the Air" - A Mr. "Peter Auty" was - but we know who got the credit.. They used him because they thought he was cute-ish when he was younger  - the problem is he is not cute anymore - so should we buy the things or not.... I have a policy of only buying things from cute people..

And tonight on the Paul O'Grady Show - We have Alan Davies, a not so funny (or good) actor with an annoying curly hair style, I don't know whether its a perm or a perm, selling his new Autobiography - "My Favorite People and Me" - I really don't  like the hair style - that's one reason why I would not buy the book..

Anna Friel and James Dreyfus - Trying to get people to watch the new play - "Breakfast at Tiffany's" - as they said, its the hottest ticket in town - I'm sure it is, the only problem is that there is a waiting list for the Tickets of Zero Days, and I can't wait that long - Like today is Tuesday, and I can still buy tickets for Today's show (well, it is 5:50), and regardless of the promise to see Anna in the Nude, which I would like to see please, the whole thing just stinks of desperation.. Also Anna tried to sell her 2 other movies, whatever and whatever, these will be out soon..

A few weeks ago, during National Poetry Day - there was a ten minute advert on BBC Breakfast, trying to sell us the Poetry CD - Somehow, all these "Washed Out" Celebrities didn't manage to shift many copies of the CD, so today, they had somebody else on the One Show - BBC 1 - trying to sell that CD again - please buy it, think of the Children..

I keep seeing Phil Jupitus (not so funny Comedian) all over the show - every time I turn a channel - He is there trying to sell the new play that he is appearing in "Hairspray" - with photos of him dressed in drag - Sadly the policy of only buying things by cute people applies here, so I will not be watching this - like the majority of people in this country.. 

26 Oct 2009

I haven't watched much TV for the past few days.. Today, I'm going back into the routine - watch TV, then watch TV, then Watch some more TV... But sadly, I didn't start till late tonight - with the One Show - on BBC 1 - We have Leona Lewis - Selling her new Book - you know the thing about these talented beautiful people, they write books when they are not Singing, Dancing or Prancing about..  I have nothing against the Woman or her Master, Mr. Simon Cowell, however, she didn't strike me as being the Brightest Bulb in the Box... But she must have some sort of talent, otherwise, how could she do all those wonderful things and even have time to sing... Please don't get me one of those for Christmas...

23 Oct 2009

Katherine Jenkins again - this time on BBC Breakfast - selling her new album - Believe - Just a remake of good songs, made bad.. That's my opinion... I know what I will not be getting  for Christmas.. - For some reason - the women reminds me of a Russian Mafia Boss Wife,...

Smokey Robinson - On BBC Breakfast - Selling his new Album at the tender age of nine hundred and ninety nine, apparently he is performing because it gives him a buzz...

And today on This Morning, we have a Washed out Actress - I don't know her name - Promoting her 2 movies - one with 50 Cent and Danny Dyer, need I say more, its called "Dead Man Running" or there about - a Gangster movie - and the second is a half French, half  English, half Arsed effort - apparently, its so good that nobody knows its name...

We follow that by the ODD Couple from Coronation Street - selling the new, DVD only, Coronation Street Holiday Special Episode - Romanian Holiday - There is one of these, DVD only efforts, out every year, and I'm sure they always say they'll not show these on TV, and then they do - Another one for Santa's Sack..

Next, we have Tracy Shaw - Ex. Coronation Street Actress - Plugging her appearance on Casualty and her new Pantomime at the where ever theater.

On Loose Women - ITV - we have Tracy-Ann Oberman - selling the new internet only series - at www.canyousaveher.com - I will not be watching this, I've got enough TV to watch - I don't wanna do that online as well...

Also on Loose Women, we have Mr. Roy something or other - Old School, not so funny Comedian - Plugging his new Autobiography - He said the highlight of his career  was being on Loose Women - if that is not a good reason why I shouldn't buy the book - then I just don't know what is?...

As Mel Gibson Says - FREEDOM! - what freedom?

I don't know why the Government wants to listen to all our calls and check out and monitor all our internet activities - If you ask them, they say its something to do with security and fighting terrorism. But in reality, if a terrorist wanted to avoid being caught by the Government, they just need to go to the £1 Shop and buy a few new SIM Cards - and give a list of these numbers to your Terrorist Friends with a code, telling them on what day to use which SIM - And if you are feeling generous, you can buy your friends some SIM Cards as well and even top these up with a Tenners worth of calls..  So the question remain, why the Government wants to listen to all our calls and check out and monitor all our internet activities?

21 Oct 2009

Tonight on the Graham Norton Show - BBC 1 - We have 3 Advertising Slots or is that Sluts, I don't know:)

Katie Price Selling Her New Book - "Standing Out" - most likely another Autobiography - She Churns these at the rate of 2 a week.

We also have Jo Brand - Selling her new book - "Looking Back In Hunger"..

And last but not least, we have Jackie Collins - Selling her new Novel - "Poor Little Bitch Girl"..

And who said the art of sponge writing is dead...

PS. The show was a repeat from whenever - it was shown after 12AM, hence the date - I never watched the original and I didn't watch much of this one either - so the information might be a little duff - please don't sue...

20 Oct 2009

Today on BBC Breakfast - we have "The Proclaimers" - selling their new Album, Single and Gig- what more can I say. I'm just wondering - do the BBC pay its "Guests" some sort of monetary compensation for being there... I bet they do...

A plug for a new program "My Supermodel Baby" with the mother and the toddler telling us about it..

Keith Allen - selling the new TV program - "7 Days on the Breadline" - Or something like that - telling us about how Britain is a "Third World Country" despite of what politicians tell us.. - And digging at the government again and again during the interview.. I don't think the man gives a flying ..... about those people or anybody else, he was paid for the week and its just another job...

Gok Wan - Selling His New Book / Show on GM TV.  And also Katherine Jenkins - Selling her new Album - her 7th Album in 6 years- on GM TV - I don't want one of either...

Trinny Woodall - The Other half of Trinny & Susannah - On This Morning - ITV - Plugging the new TV program "7 Days on the Breadline" - doing it for the new Lip Plumping Collagen Injections, these don't come cheap now, do they...And showing her caring side by telling us how she has paid for a 1 year's Broadband connection for the women that she stayed with.. Now that, gets me right there...

Alexandra Burke - Simon Cowell's Minion - On This Morning - ITV - Is at it again, trying to sell the new Single and Album, Apparently, she had a £1000 bet with her Master - Mr. Cowell, on what position the single would enter the charts at - She thought No. 2, He said No. 1 - Simon did win, she is not gonna pay him,  instead she is gonna pay a Dog's home because Simon likes Dogs, I would never have guessed that, looking at Sinitta. Either way, No. 1 or No. 2 is what I think of the record...

Tom Parker Bowles - Who ever he is - Selling his new Cook Book - "Full English" - I know what I'm not getting for Christmas... Another example of who you know - There is nothing wrong with this country, as long as you know, or you are related to the right people, you go to the right places, you attend the same Schools / Colleges / Universities - and mingle in the same social circles, and with the right crowd.... Perfect, Just Perfect...

We have Stavros Flatley and Son again, on the Alan Titchmarsh show (ITV) - Selling the new book - see yesterday's comments - The kid still does not go to School and nobody seems to care...

Holly Johnson, Something or other from Frankie Goes to Hollywood - on the One Show - BBC 1 - selling his new Songs / Mini EP and the new Best of Frankie Goes to Hollywood CD...

The Bank Of Horrors..

I've just sold my old trusted Laptop, for pittance, on eBay - and decided to buy a new, all singing, all dancing, replacement.  On Saturday, I found a very good deal on the internet, from a National Reputable Mobile Phone Company... - Like millions before me, I decided to order that using my trusted Credit Card... So, I did, and everything seemed to go according to plan, no problems, no hassle...

2 or so Hours later, I checked and everything seemed to be OK, and also, no one was able to order the same laptop from the website, because I've ordered the last unit they've had in stock.. I was happy that I did, about time something goes my way....

The next day, in the afternoon, Sunday - A Robotic Automated Voice, Rings me from My Bank with regard to the new Transaction - and wanting to confirm that it was me who ordered the Laptop.. The conversation went like this...

[Robo Bank] Good Afternoon - We need to Speak to MR....
[Robo Bank] If this is MR... Please press 1 for Yes and 2 for No
[Me] I pressed 1 - Because I was MR.....
[Robo Bank] For Security Purpose - Can you Key In Your Year of Birth as a 2 Digit Number..
[Me] I Did..
[Robo Bank] If you are not MR... Please hang up now, or else, Enter your Day/Month of Birth as 4 Digits...
[Me] I Did..
[Robo Bank] The Details You've Entered Does Not Match Our Records - Please Try Again...
[Me] So I Did again..
[Robo Bank] The Details You've Entered Does Not Match Our Records - We will transfer you to a Customer Service Adviser As Soon As Possible..

So I waited and waited and waited, eventually an operator somewhere in downtown New-Delhi answered the phone: The conversation went Like this:

[Bank Employee] What is the Problem Mr.... 
[Me] I explained..
[Bank Employee] We need to confirm few security details with you...
[Me] OK
[Bank Employee] What's your date of Birth...
[Me] ..... whatever

[Bank Employee] This is not what we have on our system..
[Me] You are Joking - I should know my date of Birth. Can you check against your records for my other account please...
[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir, we are not authorised.

[Me] You have my authorisation todo so..

[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir, because you are not who you say you are..
[Me] Let me think, you've just phoned me on this telephone number, you can confirm all other details with me, address, additional card holders, transaction history, my address, etc, etc... So I must be the person you are after..
[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir,

[Me] I'm not really asking you for anything - I'm just asking you to check 2 dates of birth and fix one of these at your leisure, you don't even need to talk to me
.[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir,
[Me] In Vain and Clutching at Straws - Trust Me - It's Me...
[Bank Employee] We can't do that sir,
[Me] What can I do now?
[Bank Employee] You need to go to your Bank Branch Tomorrow and Tell Them, They'll ring us and confirm your date of Birth.....
[Me] OK, Thank You...

Comes the Next Day - Monday - I go to the Bank.- wait and wait and wait in a queue..

[Me] I told the Bank Lady on Reception my story; and she Says,
[Bank Employee 2] This has nothing to do with us, Ring the credit Card Company and sort it out that way...
[Me] OK - and I go back home and Ring The Credit Card Company..

So I go back home and ring the Credit Card Company.. And believe me when I say, it's not easy to talk to these people or get hold of them - you have to wait for about 10 or so minutes each time, listening to Green Bloody Sleeves, over and over and over again..

[Credit Card Employee] Hello, how can I help you today,
[Me] Hello, Give them my details and I tell them my Story thus far..
[Credit Card Employee] Sorry, we can't help you on the phone - you have to go to the Bank Branch, with an ID and make sure they ring us from there,
[Me] OK, Thank You - I take my ID's with me and go to the Bank again, Wait and wait and wait in a queue.
[Me] I told the Bank Lady on Reception my story; and this time I had to wait for somebody to see me, my local branch manager - the same person who gave me a loan a month earlier and arranged my remortgage as well around three months before that- I thought I'm on a winner there.. I told him my story again.. He checks my account details... and start questioning me..
[Bank Employee 3] So what is your Date of Birth Then...
[Me] I told him  whatever, whatever, 19 something, something..
[Bank Employee 3] Everything seems to be in order. Let me have a word with them..
[Me] OK, Thank You..
[Bank Employee 3] He rings the Credit Card Arm of the Bank - The Issuers of the Card - Everything seems to be in order here - can we sort this out now..

He chats to them for a while and then tells me that:

[Bank Employee 3] You have failed on 2 Security Checks, and when I asked what those were, he fobbed me off by saying that they are not allowed to disclose this information, and that is why I need to bring 2 forms of ID - As they've lost my original records, which is my fault (obviously)... That way they can update the records and everything else in one go.

I give him my ID's, which constituted of some Credit Cards and statement, he said they can't accept these, and that I needed proper ID's - He kindly offered to tell "Sam" at the front counter of what we need, so that I don't need to wait longer than necessary..

[Me] OK, I said while thinking what a bunch of incompetent idiots I'm dealing with.. I set back for home to bring my 2 forms of Identifications..

I get my Driving License and some bills, statements and other Credit Cards and set back to the Bank..

[Me] Wait in the Queue again to see Sam - I've got the ID's you requested and then some...
[Sam] I'm sorry Mr... we need photo ID's - we can't use these...

Apparently my Driving License was the old style paper one, the one with no photo, hence they could not use it.. OK, I'll go back home and bring something else..

This time, I go back home and collect my Passport and a "Home Office Issued" ID Card - Both Have photos - but sadly my Passport was 2 months out of date, but I thought what the heck - If they don't take the first document, then they will take the second...

So I go back to the Bank and wait in the Queue once again...

[Me] Here we go again - your photo ID..
[Sam] Sorry Mr .... Your passport is out of date and we don't accept your "Home Office" Photo ID.. (I don't blame them, It's only the highest office in the land)..

[Me] OK, Just pretend that its not me and that somebody else has opened 2 accounts with your "Good" Bank, and somehow, someone managed to enter two different dates of Birth for the same person - and you've just spotted that, without me being there - and you wanted to fix the problem, so that both Dates are the same - what would you do., I don't care which date you decide on, as long as you tell me my new official date of Birth...
[Sam] We need two forms of Photo ID to do that..
[Me] Even if it was your fault..
[Sam] Sorry Mr ... We can't help you without the Photo ID's..

[Me] Can you say anything without 2 Photo ID's..

So by now, I was bloody fuming at the stupidity of the whole episode and the people involved - I've been with the same Bank for over 28 years, I've never been overdrawn and I always had money in my account, my wife has a savings account with them and so do my kids, all wages and transactions go through that bank and account all the time.. Oh my God, what have I done.. What a bunch of Bankers... God help me, the country and the economy..

This just reminded me of when we wanted to open a "First Saver" account for my Daughter, she was 2 at the time, at another Bank - "The Royal Bank Of Scotland", they Insisted on having 2 forms of  ID and two recent utility bills, not for me but for my daughter, because a birth certificate was not an adequate document.. Or when another bank, This time "Natwest", decided to Charge Me, because I had less than £200, in my high interest account, and when I wanted to close the account and get my money out, They said - We've already closed that account for you - We did that when the balance reached zero, because we did not want to keep charging you for having less than £200 in your account, what a bunch of kind Bankers (they still managed to steal £135 from me)... Either way, that was then and this is now, and I don't hold any grudges... And as long as I don't use either of the above two banks, well, then I'm happy...

[Me] I get back home, very unhappy - I ring my bank, give them my details and a piece of my mind - they apologise,  I told them, if they still think that I'm not who I say I am, then I don't need to pay my Credit Card Bill now, do I.. They said, oh no - you still have to pay that - well, then can you sort it out so that both dates of birth correspond..
[Bank Operator] Sorry Mr ...., we can't do that without 2 Photo ID's..

I said thank you and put the phone down, and wished that I had the means to tell the Bank to go forth and multiply, or just get them out of my life forever...

My Bank is Lloyds TSB... And its definitely not for the rest of my Journey..
The New Shiny Laptop was a Dell Inspiron 1750
It was on offer at the Car Phone Warehouse...

And My New Shiny Laptop, Well, it just wasn't meant to be:(

19 Oct 2009

I haven't watched much TV lately - apart from the X-Factor last night - 18 Oct 09, where it was Whitney Houston's big come back, and Cheryl Cole sang her debut single - both performances were less than ordinary, I think I heard better performances from the show's rejects, and yet the judges, especially Simon Cowell, had to say how good they were - I must have been watching a different show or I don't know what sounds good, which that was not....

Today, we have somebody from Emmerdale Soap Opera - On GM TV - selling the new Cliff Hanger episode, tonight on ITV, and short of destroying the full village with a Catastrophic Nuclear Accident and irradiating the area for next 10,000 years, I don't think any other plot would persuade me to watch the show...

We also have Spandu Ballet on GM TV selling their new not so Sold Out Tour - at the O2 arena and other places, they always say, the second time is always better, especially when you consider that they were shite the first time round... I blame it all on Take That and The bloody Revival of all these Defunct Bands... I hope they do well, but still, I will not be watching...


And on Breakfast TV Today - We have Stavros Flatley and His Son - selling their new Book -"How to be (a Little Bit) Greek" - I've nothing against this, but, is the kid gonna go to School sometime or what??, Or is TV that much more important than any education.. Oh well, who am I to complain, being funny is obviously more important...

We also have somebody else - selling a book about the Beatles, Photos behind the Scenes - I don't know his name and I don't care.. How much more should one Milk the same Cash Cow for.. Forever it seems - I'm not a big Beatles Fan (in the Grand Scheme of things, I don't really matter), although I do like some of their songs, however I always thought they were a bit overrated - out of 300 or so song they recorded, around 30 or so are good, the rest are what you call Fillers - so we have a 10% good to filler ratio...

I have to go out now.. no more TV for now...

16 Oct 2009

JLS - the nice Simon Cowell Boys;) - on GM TV - the making of their new video - in L.A. - why not... The video could have been shot anywhere, but it is shot in L.A. instead - this is not because Simon wants people to think that these are the trappings of success.. They had to hire extras to pretend to be their Girlfriends, I wonder why;)...

And on GM TV as well, we have Cheryl Cole - Selling, selling, selling everything, books, singles, shampoos.. The ultimate WAG - every young Girl wants to be just like her. Me, I just think the world is all screwed up now a days. Instead of rewarding hard working people, who struggle to make ends meet, everybody seems to reward idiots, who have done absolutely nothing....

We also have Jimmy Osmond Again - This time on the Wright Stuff - Channel 5 - Selling his new tour...

15 Oct 2009

Today on BBC Breakfast TV, we have - Sir Ranulph Fiennes- Selling his new book
- "Mad Dogs and Englishmen" - Available at all good, and not so good, Bookstores.

A book about his family, and the terrible things they had to endure during the centuries - and how many Butts they had lick to get where they are - (should have called it "Spongers through the ages, My Family"), and also how hard it is to keep a Castle going, Life's Hard. This goes to show that, regardless of background, Money Talks and Bullshit Walks, or in this case sits on the BBC Breakfast Couch...

Next, we have the most Awkward interview in the history of time - 2 unfunny presenters not getting anything, and pretending to understand everything - With jokes flying all over, and a laggy response time from those same, Animated, Robotic, BBC presenters - This was during an embarrassing interview with Jason Bateman and Malin Akerman (who are under strict instructions to Sell, Sell, Sell) - this years biggest flop, their new "Big in Japan" Movie - "Couples Retreat".. I'm sure that lots of BBC Breakfast viewers, with the average age of 95, will be going to the cinema to watch that.... (I got the names from the IMDB website)...

Those same viewers will be buying our next guest's new Album and Single - "Bad Boys" - Alexandra Burke, one of Simon Cowell's many minions, and Last Year's X-Factor Winner is with us here today - selling her new stuff, while staying level headed and keeping her feet firmly on the ground - in those Killer Heels, you've got to be joking... 

In the meantime, on the other Channel - GM TV - we have - somebody selling a new program on BBC 3 - the World's Strictest Family or some bullshit like that about spoilt prats, that need a good kick up the....

We also have 2 washed out, ex. soap opera, loser actors trying to sell an all new, internet only production, soap opera, series, drama, whatever you want to call it - "Girl No. 9" - probably, by the time anybody watches that, the link will refer to a porno website... They were so uncomfortable with the idea and concept, that you couldn't help but feel sorry for them - I know what I will not  be watching... (I didn't get the names, and I don't care, but they used to be on TV,  honest - yeah I know what you are thinking and I agree, the standards are lacks in the UK)....

And guess who's been a busy boy then - it's Sir. Ranulph Fiennes - selling his Book again, this time on "This Morning" - ITV - Well, Old Chap - Another one for the team - Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it... 

Also on This Morning, we have a plug for the new movie "The Fantastic Mr Fox" - with George Clooney - I'm sure its gonna be good...

And today on Loose Women - ITV - We have - Charles Collingwood - Somebody from the “Archers” – Selling his new Book again “Brian and ME” - He is trying very hard - last time it was on BBC Breakfast TV..

Also, we have Loose Women Flogging their new Book - "Here Come The Girls" - on Loose women - I'm confused...

A woman comedian - who is not that funny, selling her new tour - I don't know her name - but she does the advert for too much salt in food- "Full Of It" - and now we know what she is full of...

And tonight on the Paul O'Grady Show - We have no Paul O'Grady - He's off somewhere, no doubt writing a new Book and the third installment of his autobiography, I look forward to that... And while the main man is away, life still goes on - So we have Arlene Philips selling the new show "So You Think You Can Dance" - I don't know who the women is but I think she was a judge on some dance show, and she got replaced by another...

The One Show - BBC1 - Jimmy Osmond - Selling the New Osmond, Leo Sayer and Bay City Rollers - Tour... Three Crappy 70's Acts - Doing The Super Crappy 70's Revival Tour...

Happy Days Are Here Again - Or - Business As Usual - F U Very Much...

Almost two thirds of London's financial community expect their bonus this year to be the same or higher than what they received in 2008, according to a new report.  The report by recruitment consultants Morgan McKinley also found that only one in four workers said their employer was restructuring their compensation package, suggesting that banks were not revising the structure of their pay policies despite regulatory pressure to do so.  Eighty-two percent of the 200 financial service professionals who participated in the survey said they expect to receive a bonus for 2009/2010 and of these, 79% said they expect this payment to be similar or higher than the amount they received for 2008/09. This means that 64%, expect a similar or larger bonus.

Meanwhile on the other side of  the pond - we have - Bankers at Goldman Sachs are set to pocket a Record Breaking  $20bn - Having recently repaid its $10bn bail-out from the US Treasury, thus releasing it from government compensation legislation, the bank is on track to produce a total compensation pot of  $20bn this year, according to analysis of analysts' estimates by the Wall Street Journal...

If Goldman manages to deliver the figure, it would mean an average compensation of $700,000 per employee.  Although the pot covers health-care and other costs including share options, as well as pay and bonuses, the figure is still almost twice the average $363,000 paid out last year. In addition, it is slightly higher than the average $661,000 received in 2007.  The averages are somewhat meaningless, however, given some bankers will receive substantially more than the average and many will receive a lot less.



But the expected announcement by Goldman Sachs will do little to reassure the public that the world of finance has changed its ways since the economic meltdown.  Others including JP Morgan and Barclays are expected to follow suit by announcing staff bonuses at the end of the year..

13 Oct 2009

Its official, there were no spongers yesterday or the day before - I just couldn't be arsed watching TV - however, today is a different matter.

We start with Lynda Bellingham (OXO Women) - getting the ball rolling for her autobiography on Breakfast TV - seeing that her only claim to fame is being the OXO mum in a commercial, and the odd bloody Pantomime appearance every year.. Wow, what an interesting read this will be...

Now I know why people write books - a £250,000.00 deal in the case of Lynda Bellingham... Just Imagine how much they would pay if it was for somebody who is actually a bit famous, or someone who has done something... Its a Funny Old World....

Next, we have Vic Reeves, An unfunny comedian, actor, singer, writer and an artist selling his new Book - an A-Z collection of his artwork with "educational" information in true Vic Reeves' style (shit) - in other words erroneous facts and misleading advice about the universe. 'Vic Reeves' Vast Book of World Knowledge' out now.

Last but not least, we have Leslie Ash - looking more and more like a across between a Fish and the Joker from Batman. She's just got her first job in 5 years, on the award winning show "Casualty",  and is trying her best to stay there - Casualty seems to be a Grave Yard for all those "talented" loser actors - not so long ago, it was "Emmerdale Farm" - you just need see whose there and you'll know what I mean...

And tonight on the Paul O'Grady Show - We have- American Idol winner - Jordin Sparks - Singing a Remake of a 90's Song (Let The Music Play - Shannon) - and trying to sell her new Album and Single. I always think that remakes are an easy cash cow for talentless individuals and winners of these sham, so called "talent", shows...

Gandalf himself Ian McKellen, talking about his new series "The Prisoner" - a remake of the 70's psychedelic, drug induced, pointless, story-less series - the one with BIG Balloons chasing you... He was also hinting at the fourth installment of "Lord of The Rings" - Which is no longer a Trilogy - I think somebody better tell  J. R. R. Tolkien - the new term is Quadrilogy...

10 Oct 2009

Chris Evans again, on Saturday Kitchen - BBC 1 - Selling his new book...

09 Oct 2009

Simon Cowell's sidekick Senita (Claim to Fame - Ex. 80's Crap Singer) - was on GMTV today - selling the X-Factor "LIVE" Finals - with a plug for Robbie William (Ex. Take That) and a plug for Alexandra Burke (Last Year's Winner)....

Piers Morgan - on This Morning - Selling his new TV program - Interviewing people who mean nothing to me...

I'm having problems with the BBC TV channels reception today...

This Morning - ITV - Sheila Hancock - trying to sell more tickets to Sister Act - the Musical - Rave Reviews but still no audience... How many times you have to bring the troops out for a singalong....

Chris Rea is on Loose Women - ITV - Selling the same stuff as what he did on Breakfast TV - Selling the best of Chris Rea CD and single - and the Blues whatever book - and a plug for a future album - and also the Autobiography which he is writing now and the Tour...

Tonight on Paul O'Grady Show we have: Miss Honor Blackman, I don't know what she was selling. We also have Brian Conley, trying to sell tickets to Hairspray the musical and a plug for his Christmas Pantomime...

Tonight with Jonathan Ross - BBC 1 - We have:

Chris Evans - selling his new book... Everybody seems to be writing books this time of year...


JLS - The Simon Cowell Boys - Selling their new Book & Tour - Those eyebrows are so shaped to perfection and are very, very tidy. All the boys seem to be very much Mummy's Boys;), and they don't seem to have girlfriends either - I wonder why? My daughter likes them though....

The book is called "Our Story So Far" - and you know that there isn't much writing in there, because there hasn't been much of a story thus far. You just have a glossy book with lots of photos, selling to young Girls and Boys;)...

In The Hammer We Trust - Part II

To cut a long story short.. The other day, I was expecting a delivery, and as per usual, there was a knock on my front door, I tried to open the offending, internal door, with a mighty pull, however, this time, the door did not open, but the handle came off in my hand.

Now, I was locked inside my house, with the delivery man waiting outside with a parcel... I'm not gonna bore you with the details of how I managed to escape, but it involved climbing and windows, shouting the delivery guy and make him walk in the house and push the door from the other side.. After this episode, I had no choice but to fix my original workmanshit.

So I started by getting new handles and door mechanism from my local DIY store -Get the things back home, and try to fit these... I wish life was straight forward with no problems..

[1] The Door Mechanism was 2.5" long - the new one was 3.5", so I needed to drive back and get the right one, so I did, looking like an idiot in the process.

[2] The Steel Bar (I don`t know the technical terms for that) the one you have between the handles, was too long - I needed to cut it, but I had no means of doing that - so I had to drive back and have it done at the same place, and looking like a bigger idiot in the process..

[3] The Handles needed special drilled holes for fixing, I managed that with a Drill....

[4] The hole in the door for the latch was not deep enough and it needed deepening. I did that with a drill.

After all this hassle, I put the things together, and still, they would not fit properly... So I had to resort to the only tool that could do it all in one - "THE HAMMER" - and like a true professional, I banged everything that did not fit, into place... Perfect, just perfect - who needs any other tool, when you have a "HAMMER" - and now, the door looks shit, but it does open and close better than before... The only problem is, you still have to push and pull to open once again, I hope the handle doesn`t come off in my hand anytime soon...